70. Real World Applications of Nonviolent Communication

• Violence in communication overtly refers to speaking in a way that is manipulative, blaming, shaming, guilting, and judging.
• Getting deeper, the violence is attributing other people as the cause of our emotional state.
• Once you get caught up in the emotion of who is right or wrong, you’ve lost.

The real violence is far deeper than people cursing or screaming at you. They’re just childish in their emotional expression. That’s not violent – you can let that roll off. Violence is people that will look at objective reality and create an entire overlay of their own perceptions of your motivations and then judge you on it.

• If you are discussing the past or placing blame based on the history of prior behavior, you’ve lost the ability to resolve conflict.

A lot of the nonviolent communication path is deciding to optimize communication to get your needs met rather than satisfying negative emotions.

• The NVC formula is observation, feeling, need and request. “When I see W, I feel X, because I need Y. Would you be willing to do Z?”
• Many give compliments by describing someone with words such as “amazing” or “talented”. But that’s Jackal speak and is contrary to NVC. It’s a moralistic judgment, even though it’s positive. It reinforces the idea that the negative exists and, even further, that I am the judge that knows the difference.
• A better way to provide feedback is to be clear what someone did to make you feel a certain way. For example, “When I saw you do X, I felt really proud/sad/etc”. This reinforces good behavior or helps remedy bad behavior.

If you give people the power to judge you positively, you’re giving them the power to judge you negatively. To judge others, even in a complimentary fashion, is dangerous. It’s giving you an unrealistic power over other people. So you’re actually violently communicating, even though you’re giving them absolutely positive affirmation.

• Many times when receiving gratitude, people are dismissive. “That was nothing. It was so easy.” Our inner Jackal doesn’t think that it deserves gratitude.
• When we can be open to receiving gratitude (listening more than talking), we benefit psychologically and physiologically.

• This is an incredibly effective tool that is easier to deploy in the moment than the “observation – feeling – need – request” strategy of NVC.
• Emergency empathy is essentially letting people know that you hear them. “99% of people who are upset need to be heard. In almost every argument that goes astray, you will find the exact moment in which you made them feel unheard.”
• It generally starts with, “Are you feeling X because you need Y”? This is a great diffusing strategy because it shows compassion and a desire to understand.

• Blame yourself
• Blame the other person
• Communicate nonviolently
• Care for their emotions and needs but never by putting yours aside.

• “NVC has many good features, but rapidity is not one of them.”
• NVC requires forethought and time to communicate in a safe place. It is not commonly effective in instantly diffusing situations (such as in the middle of an emergency resuscitation).

• Compassion is wanting others to be happy, just as you want to be happy.
• If you can show compassion in situations needing conflict resolution, you may be able to change the internal mental framework for all parties involved.

• When you want someone to feel heard but you want them to continue speaking, simply mirror their last three words. The longer they speak, the more likely they will tire themselves out of their tirade. Repeat their last three words and let them get it all out of their system.

• People with personality disorders can twist situations in unexpected ways. The borderline personality exists in the external locus of control – blaming everyone for everything that is happening to them.
• With NVC, nobody can make you do anything – this is the quintessential essence of the internal locus of control. Only you have agency over what you do.
• Compassion can help when interacting with people who have personality disorders. This hearkens back to Metta which is learned compassion and love sent out to the people you care about. Later, the real potency is sending love to the people that have done wrong by you.

• It can help to have a mediator present who is aware of NVC techniques and can help moderate the conversation.

• The fallacy of attribution is a potent message from NVC. It makes it easier to feel compassionate towards others when you understand that they’re not doing anything to you. You’re creating your own narrative.