69. A Primer on Nonviolent Communication

• NVC is not really a theory or a guide to behavior–it is a language!!!
• Giraffes only hear feelings & needs, never thoughts
• Jackal language is about judging, criticizing, analyzing, moralizing and accusing. When we feel unfairly treated, accused or when we want to impose our wishes, we tend to use the language of the jackal. Jackal language is separating. Giraffe language is unifying.

• Avoid generalization, only specifics (generally good to avoid the past as well)
• Separate the observation from the evaluation or better yet, eliminate the evaluation
• You are the most inconsiderate person–you are always late

J Krishnamurti: “observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence”

• Internal emotional states vs. thoughts/judgment
• If you can replace I feel with I think–then it is not a feeling
• If I feel is followed by: that, like, or as if then it is not a feeling
• If I feel is followed by a name or pronoun (whether he, you, or I), then it is not a feeling
• Eliminate the feel–and see if it still works I feel sad to I’m sad works. I feel
• Could you feel it alone on a desert island–Ignored is not a feeling, unimportant is not a feeling, resentment is not a feeling b/c they require another to judge/act. It is a thought about how someone else is judging us
• Stoicism/CBT–We are the only ones responsible for our feelings
• We are responsible for everything we do (Replace I have to with I choose to)
• Do not connect the feelings to the observations through cause and effect. They relate–they are not caused by.
• When I observe X, I feel Y
• Even break it down to good/bad

 

 

 

People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them –Epictetus

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so” from “Hamlet” by Willia3. Needs

• Rosenberg identifies human needs as safety, understanding, respect, warmth, autonomy, etc. When needs are expressed indirectly through assessments and behavioural diagnoses, people are likely to hear criticism and behave defensively or start talking back.

• Make the request–would you mind repeating back what you heard me say–I want to make sure I am not causing any misunderstandings
• Specific, Doable, Optional, Positive Language
• not vague, sweeping, negative, or demands
• If they refuse, then they must make a counter-request
• Can you repeat back what I heard–I wasn’t as clear as I needed to be
• You can never make anyone do anything!!!!
• All conversation is transactional–when you think it is not, then it is usually b/c you are passively not acceding to the request
• A request could be for the person to repeat back what they heard
• I would like to know how you feel about what I just said
• Or what they are thinking
• Would you be willing…
• Whatever is done is given with joy-never a sense of obligation or fear of punishment

Logistics of the 4-Parts

• When I see that __
• I feel __
• because my need for is/is not met.
• Would you be willing to __?
• Need to make NVC sound like normal language otherwise people begin to feel managed

• Stop (Hand Out) (Stop the Amygdala Hijack)
• Breathe (Hands Up & Down)
• Space between Stimulus and Response from Victor Frankl. In the space between is our evaluation of events which creates feelings. Need to let go of this evaluation!
• Emotions You are Feeling (Hand to Heart)
• Your Needs or Wants (Hand to Head)
• Your Request (Hand to Mouth)

• Self-empathy–When their Jackal language matches your inner jackals–that is the hardest to maintain giraffe ears
• They are just (badly) expressing feelings and needs
• Just ask–it is fine if you are wrong
• Were you saying–give benefit of the doubt
• Empathy for horrible acts–do you need to do this–only if you want communication and to effect change
• A great tool for showing empathy is paraphrasing or the repeat-back. This means reflecting back what the other person just said in a way that demonstrates you understand, e.g., if your child says “I hate school!” then you can reply “Are you feeling sad because you’re not enjoying your classes?” This type of question lets the person either agree that you understand, or they will clarify what they really meant. When you’re confronted by an angry person, this tool can be especially helpful. from: Nonviolent Communication Summary: 11 Best Lessons From Marshall B Rosenberg -) Echos of Negotiation–Make paraphrasing a habit (Chris Voss)
• Are you feeling X because you need Y
• There is a reason that but is a homophone for butt, when you use it in conflict, it makes you an ass
• Ask them to clarify their response in terms of a request
• Do you want advice or for me to just hear you (just assume they don’t want advice until they tell you)

• Blame yourself
• Blame them
• Communicate nonviolently
• Care for their emotions and needs But never by putting yours aside Only if you can genuinely feel the space for it and your needs get met as well

• Moralistic judgments are a dead end

• Evaluation is by Observations and feelings
• What the person did
• What needs that fulfilled
• What that made you feel

• Your Needs
• Their Needs
• Verify you both understand each other’s
• Empathy
• Strategies
• Ask yourself what was your intention

• Do not make judgments
• Someone cut you off–their kid is in the hospital
• Anger = unmet needs
• Express feelings and needs
• Scream nonviolent
• I feel sad b/c I need!!

• There are only feelings and needs
• The only things people say of any use are Please and Thank You
• We must value the other person’s needs as much as our own
• NVC doesn’t equal NICE!!!! NVC is not about pushovers–assertive NVC
• Doesn’t need to be rigid. You can abridge steps or communicate nonverbally–it doesn’t need to be rote. Intent is what matters