76. Inner Criticism | How to keep a negative inner voice from taking over

Chances are that you have a robust inner critic. You might even believe that self criticism and castigation are the only ways to excel. As a high level performer, you are not alone. In this episode, we break down the nature of inner criticism and several ways to manage it.

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We Discuss:

3 objectives in the training of ski jumpers which can be applied to any moment or high stakes situation [02:30];

• • Self talk to meet the demands of the moment

The importance of self talk [03:45];

• • Self talk matters in performance. It matters in your experience not only of that moment of your work or pursuit, but of life.
  • When doubt takes center stage and your inner voice is something less than supportive, this moment is a mission critical fork in the road. 
  • The truth is, you can’t silence your inner critic, but you can manage it, shrink it, and THEN disallow it from hijacking your brain and physiology. 

What IS your inner critic? [05:40]; 

• • Negative self-talk is the inner voice that says you can’t, you’re not worthy, you’re going to fail so why even try. Almost everyone has an inner critic, though for some it may only be a whisper.
  • You know it’s your inner critic talking because it’s negative. It drains rather than feeds you. 
  • The way our minds work, negativity often gets a free pass at the door while positivity gets held up and hassled.

The first step to thwarting the inner critic is to be aware that it exists [08:00];

• • Notice what your inner critic says, what it sounds like, and when it shows up. Listen to its tone, timbre, and content. 
  • You can even thank the critic, knowing that sometimes it can be motivating (if even in a maladaptive way). “Thank you for your help in getting me here.” 

Judgment vs. discernment [09:10];

• • Shirzad Chamine, self mastery researcher and author of Positive Intelligence, describes the inner critic as the judge – your judge. When it’s judging you or others, it’s packed with emotion and negativity. Judgment packs heat. The judge sabotages. 
  • Judgment is contrasted with Discernment. Discernment is objective, observant without an emotional charge. Where the judge is a saboteur, discernment is the sage.

Dialogue of “the Judge” compared with “the Sage” in a complex resuscitation scenario [11:00]; 

• • The Judge:  “This is a disaster. There’s too much going on. You’ll never figure it out. You aren’t good enough and everyone will see it.”
  • The Sage:  “There’s a lot at play here and several paths we can take. No one knows the perfect answer, but you have the information and knowledge to give this patient the best chance.” The Sage is dispassionate, analytical, and supportive. 
  • Left to their own devices, the critic more often than not… wins. The critic hijacks  your limbic system, the center of our emotional and behavioral response. Your brain freezes, flight or flight, narrowing thought and focus, leading to emotional overwhelm. 

Switching from “What if” to “What’s next” [13:15];

• • The critic is a catastrophizer. It creates dread by saying, “What If?”. The sage sees the challenge and asks, “What’s next?”
  • Consider two forks in your mental road when a stimulus enters your brain. The one to the left (for example)  takes you to your limbic system, where by natural proclivity you are motivated through negative emotions:  fear, stress, anger, guilt, shame, insecurity. This road  is where your inner critic lives.
  • The other road, to the right, is your empathy circuit, your prefrontal cortex. This motivates through curiosity, purpose, creativity, and passion.
  • Most of us, to some degree, self motivate through negative emotion. Your critic may tell you that it’s the only way to be excellent. This habit might generate achievement but not happiness. But here’s the question:  Do you want to be pushed by fear or by love?
  • The challenge is switching from “What if?” to “What’s next?”

The second step to quieting the inner critic:  coming back to center [15:15];

• • Coming back to center means downregulating your physiology by engaging in activities which are calming and enable you to go from sympathetic, limbic dominance to parasympathetic, prefrontal cortex dominance. 
  • Here are a few techniques for bringing you back to the fork in the road:  triangle or box breathing, attention to the body, attention to vision. Different techniques may work for different situations, but the one thing that’s certain is that it takes practice!

Activating the voice of the Sage, that motivates through curiosity, empathy, and purpose [17:22];

• • Once you’ve pulled yourself out of the gravity well of the inner critic, it’s time to activate the other voice – your wiser, curious, compassionate, supportive inner voice. What that other voice sounds like or says is up to you. There are myriad techniques or theories.
  • For some it helps to come up with a mantra to guide you. “You’ve got this. Break it down into small steps. Get in there and kick some a**.”
  • A study done by primary school teacher Kamal Chopra gives another view into what positive self talk sounds like. He divided self talk into red light words (negative) and green light (positive). Red light words judge: I can’t, don’t, won’t, I’m not good at it, I can never. Green light words elevate: I can do it, I am [positive attribute], I am good at… 

One way to shift out of self judgment and into discernment is to speak about yourself in the third person [21:20];

• Speaking about yourself in the third person is referred to as ‘distanced self talk’. Instead of, “I’ve got this”, consider “Charlie’s got this.” And on the flip-side, you can give your critic a name. But make it the name of the most annoying person you know!
• A recent fMRI study found “third person self-talk leads people to think about the self similar to how they think about others, which provides them with the psychological distance needed to facilitate self control.”
• More on distanced self-talk here. 

Photo Credits

Ski Jump Photos by Todd Trapani on Unsplash

Road Sign Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash

Graffiti Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash