163. Why You Might Be Chasing the Wrong Dream

So many of our choices are shaped less by desire and more by expectation. We chase prestige, status, or recognition, only to arrive and realize we were climbing the wrong ladder. Beneath burnout and the friction, there’s often the truth that we were never pursuing what we truly wanted. In this episode, we explore the concept of mimetic desire, how it misguides our ambitions, and how to reclaim our decisions. Finally, we examine how fear of judgment and shame shape our careers more than we think, and what it takes to break free.

Guest bio:  Josh Russell, MD, is double board-certified in Emergency Medicine and Palliative Care. He’s held leadership roles as a Chief Medical Officer in telehealth, artificial intelligence, and urgent care systems. He’s an experienced clinician, writer, educator, and medical editor with a passion for making complex topics accessible. LinkedIn article that spurred this podcast. Josh’s Website.

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We Discuss:

Mimetic Desire: Chasing What Others Want

• Mimetic desire is the unconscious mimicking of others’ goals and ambitions, pursuing what we think we should want because others around us want it or have it.
• Jobs, houses, titles, and even lifestyle choices can become part of a tribal script we didn’t write but feel compelled to follow.
• Getting what we thought we wanted can reveal deep misalignment, leading to emotional and professional burnout.

“You are pursuing someone else’s dream. And it might not even be their dream, but it is the tribe mentality of, oh, that must be what I should want.”

• Naming the phenomenon is key to escaping it. When we can identify mimetic desire, we start making decisions from self-awareness rather than social imitation.

The Concentric Circles of Stressors

• Contrary to public belief, the biggest stressors in emergency medicine aren’t trauma resuscitations but systemic friction: overburdened systems, relentless task switching, and lack of control over logistics.
• Micro-stressors (such as excessive documentation, long ED boarding times, and futile calls for transfers) erode morale daily.
• Fear of being perceived as lazy or weak keeps many clinicians from setting boundaries or documenting in real time, even when it’s the rational choice.
• Peer judgment, not personal inadequacy, often drives performance anxiety; the fear of being seen as the weakest link is strong. Emotional exhaustion accumulates from the constant pressure to appear unaffected, fast, and invincible.

The Trap of “Should”: Internalized Shame

• The word “should” often disguises shame, pressure, and internalized criticism masquerading as motivation. When we think, “I should be able to handle this,” we’re often measuring ourselves against unrealistic or inherited standards.
• This internalized dialogue is the superego speaking, reinforcing the idea that we’re not enough as we are.
• “Should” statements are a red flag to pause and interrogate: who says I should? Where did this expectation come from?
• When left unchallenged, these inner narratives steer major life decisions toward obligation rather than desire, creating lives that feel misaligned and hollow.

Finding What You Really Want

• Discovering what we truly want isn’t intuitive. It requires structured, deliberate reflection using system two thinking: slow, effortful reasoning over gut instincts.
• Start by listing experiences, activities, and environments where you’ve felt energized, joyful, or at peace, then look for recurring themes that transcend context.
• Examine past patterns. Have you consistently chased roles or goals that later felt empty? That’s often a sign of mimetic desire at work.
• Ask yourself: Does this opportunity contain the elements I value, or am I again hoping it will magically deliver satisfaction?
• The goal isn’t to find the perfect job or life overnight, but to build a compass that’s calibrated to your internal values rather than external expectations.

The Ladder Against the Wrong Wall

• Stephen Covey’s metaphor, “Is your ladder leaning against the right building?”, captures the emotional dissonance of success without fulfillment.
• Many people realize too late that their years of striving were spent climbing toward a goal they didn’t truly want.
• Logic can’t answer the question of alignment; the recognition comes as a felt sense of mismatch, a low-grade dissatisfaction that grows over time. When discontent arises, the first step isn’t to optimize your current situation. It’s to ask whether this is even the life you want to optimize.
• Awareness alone doesn’t fix the problem, but it puts you at the crossroads. Keep climbing a misaligned ladder, or choose to reposition it, no matter how far up you’ve already climbed.
  

Actionable Reflection Practices

• When facing major life decisions, deliberately engage system two thinking. Pause, reflect methodically, and avoid snap judgments based on intuition or habit.
• Ask: who is making this decision? Is it aligned with my values, or is it driven by peer expectations, fear of judgment, or inherited beliefs?
• Notice repeated patterns where achievements or roles you pursued left you feeling misaligned or depleted. These may indicate mimetic desire at play.
• Use emotional clarity as a guidepost. If a situation feels off despite seeming logical or prestigious, question whether your ladder is leaning against the right building.
• Accept that recognizing misalignment doesn’t offer an immediate fix, but it does place you at a turning point where intentional decisions become possible.

Books mentioned in this episode:

• Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman
• Blink by Malcolm Gladwell
• Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
• The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
• Wanting: The Power of Mimetic Desire in Everyday Life by Luke Burgis